HOW TO DEAL WITH DIVORCE & BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS

by Munirah Abdullah (d_dignified_Muslimah)
Editor: Tanimola Sherif

Merriam Webster defines the word ‘Divorce’ as ‘to dissolve the marriage of (a spouse) by judgment or decree of divorce’. The word shockingly sinks into my brain each time I meet a new friend or a stranger and get to discover, after getting affectionately glued to each other, that his/her parents are divorced.

To be honest I hardly see that glimpse of happiness in their eyes. It is far removed from the feelings that will naturally envelope one when one hears of his mum being delivered of a baby, or the news of a wedding ceremony. The countenance and expression on their faces appear stale like ‘it happens, that's life’.

In this era of gigantic world civilization compounded by feminism, women tend to perceive themselves as being equal to men, regurgitating expressions such as ‘what a man can do, a woman can do better.’ This has undoubtedly made the percentage of divorced people to be astronomically high. Although, there is no available statistical record to support this, yet the rate remains alarmingly pathetic!

What happened to that happily married couple who married for better for worse, in sickness and in good health, in poverty and in richness, in struggle and in victory? What goes wrong? At what seconds, minutes or hours does the table turn around? And why? No doubt, the scourge of divorce has become a monster which is hell-bent on the continual dissipation of smooth marital relationship. In an attempt to end the malaise, many writers have, over time, proffered avalanche of solutions to it. Regrettably, however, the problem still persists.

It will get hot at some point in every marriage; we just have to understand that. The challenges become tougher when there are offspring to look after, decision-making becomes a puzzle, because there are sacrifices to be made. It will not always be a fantasy, but just like the weather after the storm, comes the clear sky. At times you will disagree to agree, only if you don't back out and know that what you have is worth fighting for. Hence, it takes two to make a marriage work when the going gets tough and the tough gets going.

This 21st century marriage has a lot of fairy tale beginning with a handsome man and a remarkably beautiful woman who want to build a structure without due consideration for its foundation. One feels a heartbreak when all the words they uttered while looking into each other’s eyes, when they were about to tie the knot; with smiles become a bunch of lies. I lament when I hear that people so dear to me have their marriage dissolved, or even anyone. Why, why, why?

Is the heat that much or is it selfish interest? Is it that we can't tolerate one another, or simply because we can’t endure? What do we need to fix?

If only you know that those children from divorce homes at some points in their lives face myriads of challenges that take toll on their social cum psychological wellbeing, you wouldn’t have considered it in the first place. Questions such as:  who was at fault? Whose order should I follow? Who should I visit?  And ultimately, whose responsibility should I carry out first? Occupy their thoughts.

My religion Islam strongly discourages divorce which is called talaq as evident in the glorious Quran [al-Baqarah 2:229] which reads:

And if he has divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she has married another husband. Then, if the other husband divorces her, it is no sin on both of them that they reunite, provided they feel that they can keep the limits ordained by Allah. These are the limits of Allah, which He makes plain for the people who have knowledge.

 Summarizing [al-Baqarah 2:230], Islam from the teaching of its glorious book doesn’t support outright divorce; a pronouncement of the formula for divorce must be made to the other partner three times. After this, if the partners still feel the same way they can always come back together. This shows us how united Allah wants the marriage to be, but do we even have the patience nowadays to give room for forgiveness so we can work things out again?

Not to forget that some people opt for divorce because their lives are at stake. I wouldn't forget to mention that. Of course, I respect your decisions like they say ‘when there is life, there is hope.’ I believe that there is, obviously, a critical state when divorce will be inevitable, but realistically it doesn't get close to the critical state nowadays before both partners give up.

Now everything happens so fast, children learn so fast and so smart, whatever you as a parent do, if you do notice, that's what they would do too. And sometimes when you try to correct them, they would tell you straight away that you're guilty too. So, when we are all talking about a better tomorrow and a beautiful future, it all starts with you parents. If the society is bad, the community going astray and the country not in shape, it's the parents. Did I hear you say why?  Now listen, your family and mine make a society and our activities either give meaning to or remove it from the society. Therefore, those who make or mar a society are products of one family or the other, either as a parent or a child. Think twice.

But oh my beloved father and mother! I want you to make your research, read history, listen to stories or myth, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Those marriages that you called perfect have been through difficulties, challenges from families and friends, but they didn't give up. I will say that, it takes two people to break up and trust me; it takes two people as well to make a marriage work out.  No single mom is truly and honestly happy to the core that she has to act like a mom and a dad, vice-versa!

So my dignified readers, divorce is not my home, divorce is not your resort, divorce is hard, divorce is bitter, divorce is not the answer to marital questions, it shouldn't be the only solution. You don't have to work hard; you just need to act smart.

This is a writing I would really love to go far and wide, to reach the heart of broken homes, to bring together what has broken, to forgive and forget the past, to create chance if there is, for life and earth wouldn't have been possible with just a man and vice-versa.